The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
You gotta admit, it’s a pretty fucking great time to “work” for the Deseret News.* Mitt Romney is the one to thank for that. You see, the Deseret News loves Mitt Romney. Like, a lot. Like, more than my 10-year-old niece loves Justin Bieber. Like, staff writers of the Deseret News have been accused** of [...]
Good morning Utah! Have you kept your New Year’s resolutions so far? JK, we don’t give a shit. The world’s going to end in 354 days anyway*, so if there ever was a time to get fat and max out your credit cards, it’s now. Telestial State was on a bit of a hiatus over [...]
How dare you, Jon Huntsman. How, good sir, dare you. Donald Trump, loveable grandfather and world-renowned philanthropist, cares a lot about his country. So much, in fact, that he regularly hosts disadvantaged youth on his long-running Peabody-winning public access program, The Apprentice. Mr. Trump briefly flirted with the idea of running for President of the [...]
Well this is just adorable. Jon Huntsman, the former Governor of Florida*, was on The Colbert Report last night. You probably missed it because you had already gone to bed. Isn’t teaching early morning Seminary when you have a hangover just the worst? For those who missed the interview last night, here are the highlights: [...]
So there’s a presidential candidate named Gary Johnson. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because he used to be your high school PE teacher. He’s running for president because that’s what old white ex-politicians do when they get bored.* Gary (as his friends and nobody else calls him) used to be the governor of… google [...]
It’s cute, really. First Jon Huntsman sent out this tweet, saying he believes in evolution and trusts scientists on global warming. Then he went on This Week and started blathering on to Jake Tapper’s awful haircut about how the anti-intellectualism the Republican party seems to be embracing – especially as it relates to evolution and climate change [...]
Remember that one time when Al Gore was about to become the next President but then suddenly lost to George W. Bush because Ralph Nader invented the seat belt and then Democrats blamed Nader when George W. Bush invaded the wrong country and liberals compensated for their guilt by giving Al Gore an Oscar and [...]
Jon Huntsman announced in a speech yesterday that he is running for the President of the Mormon United States. There are now two horrible GOP Presidential candidates who belong to the LDS Church. That means there is a 200% chance that our next President will be a Mormon (thus saith the Lord). And what happens [...]
As everybody knows, the Doctrine & Covenants predicts that a Mormon will become the U.S. President in 2012. It’s in the same chapter that predicted 9/11 was an inside job in the Bermuda Triangle and Brigham Young faked the moon landing. Since the next president will be a Mormon, we would like to know: Which [...]
Extra, extra, read all about it!! Americans willing to support a presidential candidate who wears magical underwear, doesn’t drink coffee, and believes in talking white salamanders! Oh golly ma’am, thanks for the buffalo nickel!* It may sound crazy, but what the homeless paper boy said is true: according to a new poll by the Pew [...]