The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
You may not have heard the President of the United States of America spoke to the nation yesterday and discussed some pretty important issues: gun control, the housing market, ongoing wars in Afghanistan, the minimum wage. And why haven’t you heard? Because the only thing every fucktard with Internet access* has been talking about since [...]
We’ve written extensively* about Utah’s liquor laws, and there’s a recent developed that just makes me want to go home, drink, and violently beat my wife and dog. Did you know Utah restaurants “may not sell, offer for sale, or furnish an alcoholic product except in connection with an order for food”? This is ridiculous in and [...]
Since the recent shootings at Aurora and Sandy Hook—and everywhere else—there’s been plenty of 2nd Amendment talk. Piers Morgan and Alex Jones blathered at each other*. Some random Marine told a random blonde CNN anchor he wouldn’t register his guns if a certain law was passed. Endless Facebook posts on the subject—the only real vehicle for change [...]
One thing you can always trust Republicans to do is stick to their principles—regardless of how asinine those principles happen to be. And that’s admirable, in a way. It’s good to know where our geriatric senior Senator from Utah stands on the issues instead of having to worry what he’ll do each time a topic comes up. [...]
When I heard about all the pantsing going on last week, I was intrigued. Intrigued enough to actually go to church. Admittedly, my intentions were selfish. Maybe I would find a pants-wearing woman or a purple-wearing man in my local ward and find a new friend. We would embrace and frolic and bond as only slacktivists* can. [...]
An LGBT choir recently snuck into an LDS chapel to sing the following playlist: Dancing Queen by ABBA YMCA by Village People Vogue by Madonna The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang Causing the building to burst into flames because of all the gay. At least, that’s what we assumed happened. Why else would an LGBT choir [...]
Remember how we were supposed to vote for Orrin Hatch so he could be Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee? Well, the caveat he continually forgot to mention was that would only be possible if Republicans gained control of the Senate. Turns out, the GOP actually lost two Senate seats. Come 2013, in the Senate there will [...]
Way to go, America. You’ve reelected the antichrist. Do you not see the desolate, post-apocalyptic wasteland America has become in the past four years? Are there not human remains strewn about where you live? Are you not in constant fear of being taken by armed guards with a black bag over your head to some secret [...]
About 12 hours from now, we’ll find out God doesn’t exist (or at least isn’t Mormon) as Barack Obama is reelected. But until then, here’s some advice: Don’t vote. Or do. Whatever. I’m not your mom. We won’t be covering the election minute-by-minute—we’ll let CNN’s journalism holograms do that. But we will be covering the [...]
You may not know this, but next Tuesday will decide more than just who is President for the next four years. There’s also this body of legislators called Congress and they have a few minor federal responsibilities like taxes and declaring war. And Tuesday will also decide who many those members of Congress will be. Remember when [...]