Well, we did it. Telestial State is now a year old. How depressing is that?
It was one year ago today, April 14, 2011, that we wrote our first post. Since then, we’ve been through many changes — which is appropriate, as we have the emotional maturity of teenagers.
Every LDS General Conference, a member of the Utah Legislature the First Presidency reads off the Annual Report of the state of the LDS Church. Thus, the following is our report.
The State of Telestial State Annual Report
In the past year…
- …we’ve been through 7 writers (we currently have 3 regular writers on staff).
- …we’ve written 264 articles (including this one).
- …we’ve accumulated and/or bribed 3,380 followers on Twitter.
- …we’ve accumulated 211 followers on Tumblr.
- …our website (including Tumblr) has received 27, 241 visitors and
- …and our website has received 46,218 page views.
We’ve also…
- …written 10 articles about the Deseret News.
- …written 10 articles about Mark Shurtleff.
- …written 13 articles about Jason Chaffetz.
- …written 17 articles about BYU.
- …written 18 articles about Jon Huntsman.
- …written 32 articles about Orrin Hatch.
- …written 45 articles about the LDS Church.
- …written 55 articles about Mitt Romney.
- …and only written 4 articles about Utah’s liquor laws, which is a surprise even to us.
And most important of all, we’ve
- …livetweeted the 2011 Pioneer Parade.
- …livetweeted the 182 LDS General Conference.
- …livetweeted a shit-ton of GOP debates.
- …published a best-selling ebook.
- …been accused by the Attorney General of Utah of lacking intellectual property.
- …been blocked (more than once) by Senator Orrin Hatch.
- …had 8 liver transplants, collectively.
- …and not won a “Best of Utah” award because seriously, what the fuck?
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of the top 10 stories on Telestial State from the past year, because I’m hungover as fuck and making lists is a lot easier than actual writing:
- Evidence of the Deseret News Simplicity
- Fuck BYU and Their Fucking Study on Profanity
- The Book of Mormon Musical Wins Tony for Best Musical; We’re Fucked
- BYU Disregards the “Thou Shall Sell Politically-Themed Jesus Art” Commandment
- The LDS Church’s City Creek Hotel & Casino Finally Opens
- The Racist LDS Church Accuses Randy Bott of Being Racist
- A Gay Mormon Secretary? Big Fucking Deal
- Mark Shurtleff Reaches Hatch-Level Idiocy and Hypocrisy Over Occupy Salt Lake
- Mormons Everywhere Collectively Orgasm
- Jesus Saves; 50% Off Today Only at City Creek
In all sincerity, it’s been a fantastic year for Telestial State. We truly couldn’t have done it without our many wonderful fans and followers. We have a number of surprises and things planned for the upcoming year, and we look forward to another year of serving the disenfranchised, the liberals, the queers, the socialists, and the other open-minded weirdos of Utah.
Thank you everyone, for supporting Telestial State. We may be the worst that Utah has to offer, but you guys are the truly the best.
Oh, and fuck you.