The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
We know, we know. It’s been more than a week since your favorite website, Telestial State, was updated. But we have a very good excuse: we were busy working on a fucking book for our readers. So get off our back already. That having been said, we are excited and not too proud to present: [...]
Look you guys, it’s the week before Christmas. Half the Telestial State staff is already out of town visiting family, and the other half is so drunk that they’re currently playing “Pin the Tail On the My Wife Just Told Me She Wants a Divorce and Oh Look a Donkey”* in the staff break room. [...]
We haven’t really talked much about Jason Chaffetz since he pussied out and decided to not take on Orrin Hatch. However, Chaffetz reemerged yesterday when he decided to bring a moment of clarity to the SOPA debates by saying: Let’s bring the nerds in and get this right … If you don’t know what DNSSEC [...]
Brigham Young University finally got a piece of that sweet pornography pie when they bought BYU.xxx, BrighamYoungUniversity.xxx, and other triple-x domains. Back in March, ICANN approved .xxx as a top-level domain. This means in addition to .com, .org, .net, and others anyone can now buy a domain that ends in .xxx. We all know how [...]
Mitt Romney is worth approximately $250 million dollars. That is a 2, followed by a 5, followed by 37 zeros. To put this in perspective: the average employee at Taco Bell makes minimum wage ($7.25 in Utah), whereas Mitt Romney is so rich that he never eats at Taco Bell, ever. Whoa, right? The subject [...]
Leave it to the overreaching government to take away the rights of American citizens and private business owners, all in the name of alleged safety. Three Alarm Saloon in Midvale, Utah received nine critical violations and 56 non-critical violations during an October 2010 inspection by the Salt Lake County Health Department. A month later—after the strong arm [...]
Great news everyone! Jesus does love skinny jeans after all! It turns out that skinny jeans were never technically banned at BYU-Idaho. Looks like we have some hard-core fornicating to catch up with. According to The Student Review, skinny jeans were never actually banned at the LDS Church-owned school, but rather the supposed ‘ban’ came [...]
We read in the View of the Hebrews Book of Mormon that God blesses those who are righteous. Telestial State must have done something really fucking righteous, because “BYU-Idaho Bans Skinny Jeans” is nothing short of a comedy blessing. Yesterday a cute little story popped up on the independent BYU publication Student Review* that read [...]
How dare you, Jon Huntsman. How, good sir, dare you. Donald Trump, loveable grandfather and world-renowned philanthropist, cares a lot about his country. So much, in fact, that he regularly hosts disadvantaged youth on his long-running Peabody-winning public access program, The Apprentice. Mr. Trump briefly flirted with the idea of running for President of the [...]
As we’ve said before, Mike Lee is a different kind of political douchebag. Instead of ignoring the Constitution like most members of Congress, he uses it to suggest ridiculous things—like how stupid child labor laws are or that his PAC should be able to receive unlimited money. But while the FEC recently turned down Lee’s [...]