The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
BYU’s presumptuously named Daily Universe recently published a hard-hitting exposé on a Provo anomaly—non-Mormon BYU students. It turns out there are people who decide to go to Brigham Young University for reasons other than their inability to stick to their morals unless they’re surrounded by like-minded individuals—and that’s, apparently, hilarious. Of course, covering such a hilarious topic [...]
So let’s say you want to buy a stick of gum. You walk down to your corner Ma & Pa Shoppe* and pull out a gold bar. The store clerk looks at you quizzically, then looks at the gold bar, then says “No seriously, how are you paying for this?” And then you say “I’m [...]
Telestial State has returned from its holiday hiatus. Just in time to see our beloved Attorney General appear in a fucking cartoon. I swear to god. We take one measly week off from Telestial State, and Mark Shurtleff immediately responds by becoming a cartoon and telling kids not to drink. I can’t even… I don’t [...]
As you likely haven’t noticed, Telestial State has been less than consistent the past week or so. The reason is because Orrin Hatch sent us a Cease and Desist order, threatening legal action if we keep making fun of him. Not really. We’ve just had shit to do. Normally blogs or other publications will announce [...]
It’s been a while, but it’s time for another installment of “Orrin Hatch is an Idiot”! It’s a well documented fact* Orrin Hatch hates Mexicans. If God had wanted Mexicans to come to America, He would have made them Americans. But Hatch’s disdain for our South-of-the-Border brothers and sisters extends to everything Mexican—including Mexican Wolves. [...]
Since the 2012 GOP nomination process kicked off, Mittens Romney has oscillated between first and second place in the polls. He’s never really outright led the Republican race, but he’s moved from being slightly ahead, to being tied as the front-runner, to being barely in second. First, he was battling with Michelle Bachmann, who was able to hide [...]
Some Baptist Pastor from North Carolina likened Mormons to zombies. But in a good way. You see, Southern Baptists and Mormons have a lot in common, but Mormons believe in a different Jesus. And even though both Southern Baptist and Mormons send out missionaries to infect convert people, Mormons are turning those people into the wrong [...]
Mark Shurtleff, Utah’s Attorney General and Telestial State’s best friend, would like to be the next president of the University of Utah. Stop laughing, just stop it! He’s serious. You guys, Mark Shurtleff can do anything he puts his mind to! And for the love of god, stop mocking Shurtleff for filling out his job [...]
This week our second favorite crooked Utah politician, Carl D. Wimmer, joined forces with the Family Research Council and vowed to fight the US Supreme Court’s decision no to review the case of the Highway Patrol Association vs. the American Atheists. The case involves the 10 ft high Christian Crosses that memorialize those troopers that [...]
I don’t know why this stuff bothers me so much; I don’t even drink. A few weeks ago I wrote about Provo’s ban on Sunday beer sales. The ban was ultimately lifted, but the idea of government being influenced so heavily by a local religion is upseting. Well, a similar drama is unfolding—this time in [...]