Oh my Kolob. Was last week the worst week in Mitt Romney’s human life, or what? For starters, Michele Bachmann* won the Important Iowa Straw Poll, which automatically makes her President of the United States. But Mitt’s week got even worse: MITT ROMNEY ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED THAT HE IS NOT A HUMAN. You see, Mitt Romney [...]
Sorry for the sensationalist headline; I was trying to save space. What I took out with that ellipse is “a relative in 1963 who died after receiving“. Apparently Romney’s brother-in-law’s sister, who was 21 at the time, died from an infection that was a direct result of an illegal abortion. This was before Roe v. Wade, a time [...]
Orrin Hatch was especially idiotic last week. So while I have enough material to write individual “Orrin Hatch is an Idiot” posts for parts VI through X, I decided to give it all to you at once. Consider yourself warned. We’ve mentioned several times on our Twitter account how Orrin Hatch (@OrrinHatch) has blocked us. [...]
We received a death threat in the mail at the Telestial State office yesterday.
If you’re a regular reader of Telestial State, you’re probably aware of how we feel about “the gays”. But in case you’re not, here’s how we feel about them: We think they’re awesome. In fact, some of them write for Telestial State. Not only is it none of our business who they decide to scissor [...]
As the dust settles around the recent Congressional cocaine binge compromise surrounding the debt ceiling, we thought it’d be good to give a little summary of how each our fantastic politicians did. First of all, here’s a recap of what passed: The debt ceiling will be increased by $2.1 trillion, giving the Executive Branch the ability to [...]
Stop the presses!!!! Get the chief on the horn!!!! THIS IS BREAKING NEWS. According to our sources*, BYU has won this year’s prestigious “No. 1 Stone-Cold Sober” award for the 14th year in a row, narrowly beating out who-gives-a-shit. This is quite the honor, although it’s hardly unexpected. Remember when Oprah** stopped submitting The Oprah [...]
Did you know that in 1885 Mitt Romney’s great-grandfather didn’t like the no-polygamy* laws in the United States and, with his multiple wives, moved to Mexico? And that not only is there a whole civilization of Mexican Romneys currently living south of the border, but Mittens’ own father was actually born in Mexico? (Not that [...]