Oh my Kolob. Was last week the worst week in Mitt Romney’s human life, or what? For starters, Michele Bachmann* won the Important Iowa Straw Poll, which automatically makes her President of the United States. But Mitt’s week got even worse: MITT ROMNEY ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED THAT HE IS NOT A HUMAN.
You see, Mitt Romney was in Iowa** last week giving a speech, and after being interrupted by some hecklers, announced in a rich, baritone voice:
“Corporations are people.”
He did it. He admitted it. Mitt Romney admitted that corporations are people. Ergo, Mitt Romney is an android.
You see, many people*** have theorized for years that Mitt Romney wasn’t human. We didn’t know how to prove it, but we knew that someday the wiring in Mitt Romney would short-circuit, and he would reveal too much information. And that is exactly what happened. Normally, people descend from people who descend from people. But who do androids descend from? They descend from factories. And who owns those android factories?
Ergo, Mitt Romney descended from a corporation. So while to you and me corporations appear to be faceless entities with lots of money and little guilt, to Mitt Romney corporations appear to be ‘people.’ It’s the same way that a lonely 72-year old widow named Marjorie dresses up her dachshund in a sailor outfit. To Marjorie, a dachshund dressed as a sailor is a ‘person.’ But to everyone else, it’s a fucking dog in a stupid costume.
So don’t blame Mitt for believing that “corporations are people.” He doesn’t know any better. Androids get very easily confused by costumes.
*Don’t look Michele Bachmann directly in the eyes, or your wife will turn into a pillar of salt!
**Iowa is so fucking American, the remaining 49 states look like terrorist training camps. That is a fact.