So yesterday morning I’m reading the Salt Lake Tribune while my wife gets our 12 children ready for school*, when I come across a news story that made me spit out my Postum all over our faux granite counter top:
Ron “America” Howard is directing a movie based on an anti-Mormon book?! As in the Ron Howard who played Opie Taylor and Richid Cunningham, the only tv characters in history to be based on actual Mormons? As in the Ron Howard who directed Apollo 13 and A Beautiful Mind, the only movies which LDS missionaries are allowed to watch? As in the Ron Howard who narrated Arrested Development, which is sometimes watched by some of the more hipster-y BYU students to prove to the opposite sex that they have an edge, as long as it’s before midnight because that’s when the Holy Ghost goes to bed?
It just can’t be true.
Like many Mormons, I love Ron Howard so much that I’ve had to talk to my bishop about diminishing my unwanted same-gender attraction.** So it breaks my heart to think that Ron Howard will direct a movie that will accurately portray Mormon history.
Our relationship with Ron Howard is over. No more jacking off to Splash when the kids aren’t home. No more watching The DaVinci Code on date night instead of having a conversation with my wife. No more… something about Frost/Nixon… well, I wasn’t planning on seeing it anyway.
Goodbye Ron Howard. You and your anti-Mormon movie can go to
Hell the Telestial Kingdom.
*She can be so slow sometimes.
**Please don’t tell my wife. We have enough problems as it is, what with her being so slow.