Mitt Romney, the ShamWow Republican Candidate

Atop a podium, oozing a sage sex appeal with his silvery sideburns melting back into his dark brown hair, Mitt Romney announced his candidacy for President of the United States of America Thursday morning.

And then, in classic ‘I swear I am right-wing enough for you America’ Romney form, he said, “Barack Obama has failed America.”

OK, here’s the thing. And frankly I am wondering if anyone else out there is thinking the same thing I am: Really?

This is really your guy, republicans?

Mitt Romney being the strongest contender the right has to run for president is kind of like when your daughter, who, mind you, graduated from Harvard and is all sorts of genius, brings home the ShamWow guy. You just can’t help but wonder to yourself, “This is the best you can do? The ShamWow Guy? Mitt Romney?”

Romney’s lameness aside, he’s also BLAND as plain Cream of Wheat. The Barack Obama failed America statement is about as original as everything else Romney has done in his effort to prove himself a candidate for the POTUS gig. Which is to say that it is as original as a Huffington Post article. Honestly, what republican isn’t into bashing Obama right now? Why don’t you do me a favor, a favor for America, and just stick to what you’re planning on doing rather than throwing stones? No. That would be too level-headed for the political realm.

I guess it could be worse and they someone I really love to hate could run. Sarah “I’m On A Bus” Palin. That publicity whore will show up for the opening of a can of olives, so why not toy with running for president for some spotlight time? But I digress. Back to Mittens.

The fact of the matter is this, back in Obama’s candidacy all he got was shit for being some unknown with little to no credentialing for the presidential gig.

How the hell is Romney an iota different in that regard? Here’s how: Obama was inspiring. Mitt is a walking regurgitation of Fox News and Glen Beck’s yet-to-be-launched website TV endeavor.

I say bring on Palin. At least she’s her own breed of crazy, which is a stark contrast to Romney’s plagiarized conservatism. Because the thing is, you know what’s worse than a blank canvas filled with hope? A Picasso knockoff.