Mormons Everywhere Collectively Orgasm

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The Mormon E-FaceThe one and only Mitt Romney has officially announced his Presidential campaign, giving Mormons everywhere a reason to stop following politics until they have to vote in November 2012.

Even though Mitt tried to get the Republican nomination in 2008, he was in the running against a lot of good* candidates. It was a tough primary, which he eventually lost to some old guy. But this time around, Romney is actually leading the polls in some key states. His major competition is Sarah Palin (who would get a lot of I-Would-Fuck-Her votes if it weren’t for the Don’t-Stick-Your-Dick-In-Crazy rule) and Herman Cain (who won’t get any votes because he’s black … a pizza delivery guy … black), both of whom Mittens should have no problem defeating.

In other words, it’s likely he’ll earn the Republican nomination. And since Americans certainly aren’t going to vote that socialist Obama back into office again, Mitt will definitely be the next President of the United States.

But for the past several months, as Mittens has been pseudo-campaigning, Mormons have been massaging their respective, metaphorical clits/shafts – building up pressure and anticipation – until Thursday afternoon when Romney made it official, and they were finally able to splooge all over themselves.

You see, with a Mormon President, not only will Mormons everywhere have an even easier time knowing who to vote for**, but they’ll also be able to have the America they (and God) always wanted:

  • It will be illegal for any commercial enterprise to be open on Sunday.
  • The government will ignore all immigration laws and opt instead for compassion.
  • The United States will finally have a national casserole.
  • Gays will be shipped to Canada and/or the bottom of the ocean.
  • All young people will be required to spend two years of their life doing something they hate.
  • The Book of Mormon musical (the cast recording for which you can stream FOR FREE!) would be banned.

It’s going to be awesome.

What else will Mormons get with a Mormon President? Comment below or let us know over Twitter at @TelestialState.

*”Good”, of course, in comparison to George W. Bush

 

**They usually go through the motions of considering the Democrat candidate, even though they know God votes Republican