The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
Did you hear? If all goes according to plan*, Utah may soon have its very first OPENLY GAY politician in a statewide office. Gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(yuck)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The homosexual in question is Jim Dabakis, a long time gay advocate in Utah and co-founder of Equality Utah and the Utah Pride Center. He believes in very un-American ideas, such [...]
That’s right folks. KSL, Utah’s beloved source for purchasing Horse Drawn Manure Spreaders (Great yard art or flower planters™ ), has caught wind of Telestial State’s hugely successful and financially lucrative news magazine website www.telestialstate.com*. Ever since Gov. Herbert proposed his bullying initiative, folks are forgetting that being a copy-cat** will get you a karate [...]
Happy Memorial Day! Sorry to hear that your horse has herpes. As federal law mandates, no politics or news ever occur on Memorial Day.* In fact, most of the Telestial State writing staff has already left our offices to head over to the annual Temple Square Memorial Day Barbecue. I hope Boyd K. Packer’s bikini [...]
I am the 1st counselor in my ward’s bishopric.* Despite this really prestigious spiritual calling, I haven’t believed in God since the Bush administration (either one). With the constant war, famine, and natural disasters that plague our planet, I have a hard believing that an eternal, omnipotent deity would allow such terrible things happen, while [...]
There’s this organization called FreedomWorks, whose Chairman is trying-to-stay-relevant Dick Armey. They’re part of the Tea Party movement, which means they hate black people and aren’t smart enough to work a copy machine. Well, they dealt what they’ve considered a damning blow to named-after-the-family-cat Mittens Romney by saying it was their goal to stop him [...]
Tornado, American Idol, Oprah, fart fart fart, bla bla bla. Let’s talk about the BIG story of the week. Don’t know if any of you heard, but Brian David Mitchell got life in prison yesterday, for the 2002 kidnapping for Elizabeth Smart. To learn more about this story, simply turn on your Internet, and google [...]
Jon Huntsman wants to become President of the United States of America. How do I know this? Because he wrote a poem about it, of course. It’s an unusual animal. The firm handshake. The frosty smile. So often driven by ego alone. They stand in a line and few stand out. They read the same [...]
U2 is playing in Salt Lake City tonight, at 7:00 pm. This is a picture of ‘The Claw,’ courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune. The Claw is responsible for holding up Bono’s incredibly large ego. Neat!
I have a real journalism degree from a real-ish university. Because of this, since graduating I’ve spent a good portion of my time looking for work. It hasn’t been easy finding a job, which is why I twilight as a sex worker – and even that is getting harder. But now, Governor Herbert wants to abandon [...]
Have you ever tried being an escort here in Utah? It’s really tough. For starters, you have to consistently lie to your bishop about your job. (“Of course I’m not an escort, I work at Deseret Books! Would you like me to get you a discount on Thomas S. Monson’s biography and/or suck your penis?”) [...]