The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
Happy Easter everyone! I rose out of bed this morning in the same way that Jesus did on Easter: feeling hungover, and surprised that I’m still alive. Telestial State recognizes that our readers come from a wide variety of religions (just kidding, most of our readers come from Utah). So although we may not be [...]
C’mon Tim DeChristopher. Cuh-mon. “Six Utahns associated with climate activist and convicted energy lease auction imposter Tim DeChristopher were among 30 arrested in and around the U.S. Capitol in recent days for disrupting government activities, including House floor debate.” “Six Utah climate activists arrested at U.S. Capitol.” Jesus Fucking Christ, Tim DeChristopher. Can you stay [...]
You know when you’re hanging out at home watching hardcore pornography on the television while gambling your life savings away playing poker online, alternating between sensuously massaging your nether bits and going all in*? You know, Wednesday? Orrin Hatch doesn’t want you to be able to do either. He wants you to entertain yourself the [...]
“NHL thinks Salt Lake City is in Arizona”. You stupid, stupid fucks. Only a RETARDED IDIOT with a 3RD GRADE EDUCATION would think that Salt Lake City is in Arizona. YOU FUCKING RETARDED FUCK-TARDS. Just kidding. Salt Lake City is kind of a crappy town, so I don’t blame anyone for not knowing where it [...]
Break out the non-alcoholic bubbly, boys! We did it! We mother-effin did it. “Utah lawmakers lean far, far right.” Not ‘slightly’ right. Not ‘somewhat’ right. Not ‘far’ right. Not ‘left’ right. But far, far right!! This is very exciting news. Karl Rove must be rolling in his grave! No, not really. Everybody knows that Karl [...]
Happy 4/20 day, Utah! Don’t forget to smoke a joint and get yourself locked up in jail, you dirty hippie. “But why is marijuana illegal and alcohol legal, if marijuana is safer than alcohol?”, says a rational argument. SHUT UP THIS IS AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT YOU WANT THE TERRORISTS TO WIN TEA [...]
Burn, Baby, Burn! A new wave of conservatism has announced itself in the free-thinking state of Utah. It’s the Book Burning party. They burn books, they burn the authorities … hell, they burn each other! They’re committed to the concept that all men are not created equal (women even less so) and those who don’t [...]
Here’s a story on KSL.com about an invisible gorilla interrupting a basketball game, as discovered by researchers at the University of Utah. People sat around watching a video about non-professional basketball players (WBNA?), and were given an iTunes gift card every time they said “Holy shit, did you see that monkey?!” Seriously. Like, I’m not [...]
The Republican Party is apparently attempting to submarine any potential presidential run by former Utah governor Jon Huntsman by showing his darker side – that he is able to write. In leaked letters which give tepid praise (of President Obama with phrases like “it has been a great honor getting to know you” and using [...]
This is currently the most popular story on the Salt Lake Tribune’s website: “Mural with bikini-clad woman, LDS Temple on fire sparks criticism” A ‘controversial’ mural in Cottonwood Heights of a bikini lady and a burnin’ temple has enraged a couple of citizens. As a result, the enraged citizens have burned down the State Capital [...]