The Absolute Worst that Utah Has to Offer
I went to the BYU bookstore last weekend to make a few purchases. For Mother’s Day, I purchased a 2-foot ceramic statue of Glenn Beck and Jesus Christ heterosexually making out. For my wife’s birthday, I bought a couple of condoms with holes punched in them. And for myself, I bought a transcript of Joseph [...]
“Becky, Mike … so good of you to join us. Have a seat, please.” “Yes … sir … I, uh …” Becky answered, unsure why she had been summoned. “Thank you for having us, sir,” Michael said in response as he moved to the designated seat. “I wanted to ask …” “Now’s not the time [...]
Courtesy of Telestial State reader, @proletariatron.
In a newspaper column Mitt Romney had a staffer write – and then apparently only glanced at before approving – the potential GOP presidential candidate said Obama was currently leading “one of the biggest peacetime spending binges in American history.” This wouldn’t be a problem since no one reads newspapers anymore (and geriatrics don’t count [...]
Barack Obama pulls a dusty skeleton key from his breast pocket and blows on it. He jangles the thousand-year old padlock, inserts the key, and then patiently leans against the large metal door until it budges. He enters the massive storage locker, and walks briskly past Amelia Earhart’s crashed plane, Jimmy Hoffa’s skeleton, and the [...]
This is how this game works. I’ll write a totally obnoxious, pretentious headline, and you tell me which website it came from. Ready? Here is the headline: “Are we just ‘this much better’ than the world?” QUESTION. Did that headline come from: a.) A Justin Bieber fan site b.) A gossip blog about Glee c.) [...]
This writer has been puzzling for years as to why winning athletes will publicly thank Jesus or God for their performance in a winning game. I used to believe that He didn’t give a shit about that stuff. So much so that in the past one could find me yelling obscenities at whoever dare make [...]
Legislators in Utah’s vaunted state government have declared war on the U.S . Constitution – again! Back in 1857, Utah turned its nose up to the United States, declaring the creation of the land of Zion to be free of any government except its own. Once again, 150 years later, Utah’s legislature has determined the [...]
This is a picture of Boring Scott Cowley, holding up a bottle of Naked juice for some reason. There isn’t any vodka in that bottle of Naked juice, because Scott graduated from BYU. I know what you’re thinking: “Does drinking Naked juice without vodka make you ineligible for a Pell Grant?” Yes, it does. Don’t [...]
Since January the issue of illegal immigration laws in Utah have been an off again on again hot topic. And as debate rose in the legislature, out popped local government’s kissing cousin: the LDS church. Out of the mist Mormon Mafioso’s present the gullible people of Utah with the “Immigration Response”. The latest press release outlines [...]